


You're Tearing Me Apart, Wiotch!

by skywalkersatsea



Category: The Covenant (2006), The Room (2003)
Genre: Crossover, I'm so sorry for this, The Room/The Covenant crossover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-16 04:15:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16078211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skywalkersatsea/pseuds/skywalkersatsea
Summary: The Room/The Covenant crossover that no one asked for. Inspired by Sebastian Stan's killer dialogue in the 2006 film The Covenant, and Tommy Wiseau's magnum opus The Room.





	You're Tearing Me Apart, Wiotch!

**Author's Note:**

> This is a collaboration with one of my friends who, like me, loves insanely stupid movies. It's purely for our own amusement and to write out awful characters with poor dialogue from their respective movies. I regret nothing.

The first day of fall arrived seemingly without any real change in the air; the heat was still bearing down in the San Francisco streets, the leaves unchanged and green. Yet on that day, September 21st, the arrival of something much more significant than fall was about to take place.

The day was just like any other: Johnny came home from work, the usual gift for Lisa hidden behind his back and Lisa smiling with feigned, bland excitement as she accepted yet another meaningless article of clothing from her fiancée.

Then there was a knock on the door of Johnny’s apartment, and the red dress that both Johnny and Lisa were holding fell to the floor in surprise.

“Who could that be?” Johnny inquired inquisitively.

“I don’t know, Johnny. Isn’t it Denny or Mark like usual?” She asked, walking to answer the door.

She was greeted by a very attractive Romanian man.

Lisa was astounded. The man in front of her was a complete turnaround from Johnny, easily ten million times more attractive than her future husband. The first thing she noticed was his eyes, an electric blue that pinned her to where she stood, gaping. His hair was short and deep brown, dumb thicc. His face was very symmetrical, unlike Johnny’s, with a cleft chin, dainty nose, and enticing mouth.

He was perfect.

“Hi, nice to meet you,” he said in a very husky voice, smiling politely. “I’m Denny’s new roommate Chase Collins. Do you live in this apartment, by any chance?”  
“Yes, she is my future wife,” Johnny came up to the door, arm around Lisa’s waist possessively. “You don’t look like Denny’s brother.”

“No, I’m just his roommate,” Chase corrected him. He redirected his eye contact to Lisa, noticing her gaze. “Just wanted to introduce myself.”

He shot Lisa another winning smile and turned to walk away, not giving Johnny a second glance.

“Did you see how he looked?” Johnny said once the door closed behind Chase. “How rude. Very rude man. Didn’t even shake my hand. I love meeting new people!”

Lisa ignored Johnny’s rattling, rolling her eyes as she made her way back to the couch. “You could have been a little nicer. Didn’t you hear him say he was just Denny’s roommate, not that he was related to him?”

“It doesn’t matter! They are living together. No difference.”

A new knock on the door sounded, followed by the door opening and a tall, sandy haired man stepping through the threshold.

“Oh, hi Mark,” Johnny’s face lit up upon seeing his best friend. “Did you see the new guy? Mr. Bighead? What a jerk!”

“Nah, he was more than nice to me,” Mark grinned. “Helped me move some of my new furniture into my place, invited me in for some beers. Honestly, I think you’re overreacting a bit.”

“Overreacting? He only spoke to Lisa! Who ignores the man of the house?”

“Apartment,” Lisa muttered, grabbing the red dress from the floor and storming up the stairs.

Mark watched her exit with a frown. “Man, what’s gotten into her?”

“I don’t even know man! She’s acting like a crazy person today. I don’t understand women,” Johnny sighed, running his hands through his long, wild, ebony locks.

Mark was unsympathetic. “Johnny, maybe you should try to pick up on why she might be frustrated. You’re gonna marry her in two weeks, at least you can know what she likes and doesn’t like about your attitude.”  
“My attitude is not the problem!” Johnny shouted. “Some weirdo from wherever shows up and now she’s upset? She’s the problem!”

Upstairs, Lisa had thrown the red dress into her closet among 87 other red dresses and was pulling out the old trunk that was hidden under her and Johnny’s bed wrapped in mosquito netting (how Johnny had never found it, she didn’t know). Inside was witch-hunting gear she was going to use to investigate their new neighbor.

Chase Collins. Interesting man.

* * *

 

“Where’s my fucking money, Denny?”

Chris R had his pistol pressed against Denny’s temple, the other boy nearly to tears as he crouched on the balcony.

“It’s coming!” He squeaked.

Chris R didn’t seem satisfied with that answer. “Where’s the money-”

He was suddenly flung up against the wall, collapsing once he made impact. If Denny had been looking the other way and not watching Chris R, he would have seen his new roommate Chase, his hand outstretched and his eyes pitch black, pupils covering the whites.

Chase lowered his hand and blinked, his eyes returning to their normal blue before running to Denny’s side.

“Hey, are you okay, man?” He asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Denny replied, his voice cracking and showing that he clearly was, in fact, not fine.

Chase helped Denny up and gently removed a lock of hair from his face. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”

He took Denny’s hand and helped him up, walking back to their apartment.

Chris R remained unconscious on the ground. Was he breathing? Neither Chase nor Denny seemed to care.

A few minutes later, Lisa burst through the entrance to the rooftop, dressed in her gear and tracking down the unmistakable trace of magic of wiotch-craft that led her to… Chris R?

“If there’s a wiotch here, it’s definitely not him,” she muttered, turning around and leaving Chris R alone again, still unconscious and face-down on the ground.

* * *

 

Claudette and Lisa sat in the living room the next day, sipping tea and spilling the hot goss.

“Mom, I felt some weird energy on the rooftop yesterday. It might be a wiotch,” Lisa confessed to her mother.

“And who do you think it could possibly be?” Claudette responded in disbelief, lowering her teacup. “I’ve never heard you tell me about any of that kind of energy here before. We know everyone! They’re perfectly normal people!”

“Well, one person did just move in,” Lisa said.

“Oh, Chase?” Claudette asked. “But he’s such a sweet young man! How could he possibly be a wiotch?”

The door flew open and in walked Chase.

“It’s true,” he said, staring at Lisa intensely. “I am a wiotch.”

Chase and Lisa made passionate love. They even kissed each other on the mouth.

Johnny entered, hearing the sounds of passionate fucking so he sprinted up the stairs, only to see his future wife in bed with Mr. Bighead. He gaped for a solid five minutes before saying,

 

“You’re tearing me apart, Wiotch!!”

 

FIN

**Author's Note:**

> The sad thing is I wasn't even drunk when I wrote this.
> 
> Check out my other work, Of Swords and Scales, a Yuuri on Ice mermaid/pirate AU!


End file.
